Dearest reader,
As I write these lines and I find the words that match to build my story that I share with you today. I’m listening to Jess Glynne – take me home. I love Jess and have from the first moment she dropped her first ep. I connect to take me home because it reminds me through my auditory sense to drop into my true and natural self. I stretched myself too thin in being the way I thought I had to be for most of my life. I have scars on my soul that are ready to heal. It starts in simply just being me. Kelly.
Home for me at the moment during this period in my life is at the core of who I am. My soul is crying out more than ever before to absolutely love and value my deep within. Connection, nurture and nourishment. Home is where the heart is and my heart is finally merging as a bestie with my inner child and bringing forward KELLY.
For the month of March I have been sharing a story connected to the letter of the alphabet. Today I reach H. Today I share Help.
This (help) has been absolutely the one thing in my life that I have had such trouble in doing. Being able to ask for help when I genuinely need it.
Now this is where it gets emotional for me and I begin to shy away from being truthful because it triggers a deep wound of rejection and neglect for me, surrounding my family and my upbringing.
My family have been and still continue to be my biggest collective of individuals in being my greatest teachers. They each play a huge role in showing me the true core lessons in love and a tangled hot mess of mental health and abuse.
When I was younger, I would reach out to my role models. I would ask for help and was turned down with a barrage of emotional and physiological abuse. Being told
“your an idiot”
“your fucking stupid”
“your a meathead"
“you are overreacting!!” every.single.word was inbeded with such hurt and can honestly only be digested a few times before you saturate yourself in the invisibility cloak and carry a sad heart as you go along learning to live with such a burden.
I am the oldest out of three siblings and felt like I couldn’t ask for help to those younger than me or go to another parent for help because they were drowning in their own stuff.
I developed very quickly the toxic inner self pattern to get things done by myself. I created a very tight security blanket nestled inside and I carried a tremendous amount of “not being good enough” and a inner repetitious dialogue of “what’s the point” from a very young age along with a dose and sense of always feeling differently from everyone in my family but also feeling alone. I developed another inner dialogue of never to ask for help because it would lead to being put down.
Being made fun off.
And feeling like everyone that I loved hating me. Being Kelly.
I have worked on this for many many years and I still work on these wounds for not asking for help. When I started to break down these toxic feelings, emotions and a sense of victim mode that I carried in my body and mind my relationship with the idea of asking for help started to change in how I was living. I also had to forgive myself for treating myself this way. I also had to really learn to forgive those who hurt me so deeply. Those I love so deeply. I am still consciously working on this now. Today.
My top 3 tips in asking for help. I pray they resonate with you and can help you and your beautiful and natural self step into security within you and out of fear-based childhood coping mechanics.
1. Connection. When you need the help go to the people YOU feel connected too. They will give you unconditional love and provide the space you need to get the help you heart is asking you to receive.
2. Don’t label it. Help is what it is to YOU. Try not to judge it and over analyse it.
3. Just be you. Give you whole self to what you need help in or what needs helping in you.
"Take Me Home" - By Jess Glynne
Wrapped up, so consumed by all this hurt
If you ask me, don't know where to start
Anger, love, confusion
Roads that go nowhere
I know that somewhere better
'Cause you always take me there
Came to you with a broken faith
Gave me more than a hand to hold
Caught before I hit the ground
Tell me I'm safe, you've got me now
Would you take the wheel
If I lose control?
If I'm lying here
Will you take me home?
Could you take care of a broken soul?
Will you hold me now?
Oh, will you take me home?
Oh, will you take me home?
Oh, will you take me home?
Oh, will you take me home?
Oh, will you take me home?
Hold the gun to my head, count 1, 2, 3
If it helps me walk away then it's what I need
Every minute gets easier
The more you talk to me
You rationalize my darkest thoughts
Yeah, you set them free
Came to you with a broken faith
Gave me more than a hand to hold
Caught before I hit the ground
Tell me I'm safe, you've got me now
Would you take the wheel
If I lose control?
If I'm lying here
Will you take me home?
Could you take care of a broken soul?
Oh, will you hold me now?
Oh, will you take me home?
Oh, will you take me home?
Oh, will you take me home?
Oh, will you take me home?
You say space will make it better
And time will make it heal
I won't be lost forever
And soon I wouldn't feel
Like I'm haunted, oh, falling
You say space will make it better
And time will make it heal
I won't be lost forever
And soon I wouldn't feel
Like I'm haunted, oh, falling
You say space will make it better
And time will make it heal
I won't be lost forever
And soon I wouldn't feel
Like I'm haunted, oh, falling
Would you take the wheel
If I lose control?
If I'm lying here
Will you take me home?
Could you take care of a broken soul? Oh, will you hold me now? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home, home? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home?
Love,
Kelly
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